You won’t believe how hungry I am. I’m ravenous! I’m considering eating rubbish and dog food. Perching cats resemble roast chickens. Why? Well, I’ve not eaten in 5 days.
I’m in Thailand, land of fantastic cuisine (and girls of course!) and I haven’t had even a peanut. Or even grain of salt stuck to a peanut. The reason dear bukkake lovers is that I am on detox. And at the health farm where I am staying that means no food for 7 days (following a week or ‘pre-cleansing’ i.e. salads and organic vegetarian dishes only), detox drinks, endless pills, and 2 enemas a day. Yes that’s right, I get 2 coffee laden buckets of water up my arse every day. Ugh. Now, a few things before you delete the link to my blog forever and shut this window in utter disgust! One, I don’t enjoy putting things up my anus, and am not homosexual as my bastard friends keep taunting me. Slags. Two, yes not eating for a week is bloody horrendous and is killing me but I am not a masochist either. Three, yes I know that to come to Thailand and put myself through mental and anal hell sounds crazy. The point of all this is to benefit my health.
The idea is to stop eating to give your liver a break so it can concentrate on clearing out your body, and take detox drinks that turn into jelly which clings onto any gunk and undigested crap (literally) that has been stuck in my colon. The twice daily enemas flush out the jelly which you can collect in a colander in your toilet bowl, so you can sift through it for horrors or hidden treasures. Amazing things have come out of people’s arses. Most people get gristle, weird fatty lumps, UFOs (unidentified freaky objects) and sometimes recognisable morsels. My mate had two prawns that she remembered scoffing unshelled when she was pissed two years ago. The pilot had a few elastic bands plop into his colander! He’s unfazed. Apparently he used to chew them when he was 11. There are other tales of the bizarre floating around the resort, whether exaggerated or semi urban myth, or true, like paperclips, buttons or coins. I lost a lens cap for my camcorder recently and am hoping it might make an appearance.
As for not eating, it’s torture. Walking the Thai streets, a smorgasbord of culinary temptations, is driving me insane. I even find the sandy, chewn up and shriveled, corn on the cobs discarded on the beach appetizing. And I have to sit in a bar during the world cup with a glass of water whilst everyone chucks back ice cold beers and tucks into their steaks, Thai curries, lobsters and pizzas.
It’s a true test of endurance but I have lost half a ton of gunk through my backside including a scary lump of gristle and 2 strings of Parma ham rind. I’d rather be eating of course but getting that freaky shit out of me must be doing me some good. Everyone raves about how energetic they feel afterwards. I’ll let you know if this really works.
But right now I’m off to fill up my enema bucket. Wish me luck!
Semen Simon